you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
