Your face is a jimmy john
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
