I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
