Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
