I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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