grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
