im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
