VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
