he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
