he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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