Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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