there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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