roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
