Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
