I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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