Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
