your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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