it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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