He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
