At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
