He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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