Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
