I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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