sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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