she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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