I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
