Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
