I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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