I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
