only you would photoshop your dick
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
