does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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