he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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