I wish I could punch you in the face.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
