My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
