You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
