If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
