I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
