I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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