So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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