My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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