If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
