I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
