1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
