I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
