I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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