If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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