drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
