I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
