I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
