happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
