I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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