I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
