he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
