I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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