Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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