So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
