If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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