so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
