well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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